At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
