The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
ok first of all what the fuck
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
