I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
