i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
