I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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