I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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