Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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