My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
