I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
