Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
