I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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