i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i think i just lost a toe
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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