She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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