I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
