Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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