GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
