after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm really busy with my period
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