I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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