My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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