Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize