I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
