My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
