I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
