Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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