Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
