I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
it's like heaven, but drunker
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize