I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
