i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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