normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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