I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize