I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
