By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
