awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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