Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
