I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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