sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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