Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
