all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
