the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
