you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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