If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
