I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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