Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize