Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the condom got lost in my hair
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
