Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I want her autograph on my taint
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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