Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
