Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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