having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
