this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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