guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
