I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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