the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i've created a new STD.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
