We're facebook friends in real life
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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