You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
