Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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