I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
