I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
