The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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