and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
