if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
