I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
