I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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