I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
