He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
we have officially lost it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
