Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
