my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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