The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
