Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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